From the Mouth of a Hoarder... Alternate title- Clownshit crazy near the holidays

Greetings!  Yes... It is that time again.  Time for more verbal clutter from the mouth of a hoarder.  

Um... Enjoy?

And here we go...
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"Think the shelter women would use a wok?  I have one that is like new and I keep all the boxes for things so I can store them back in their box!"

Of course you do.

"I also have an electric skillet that I got that is too big now that it is just me..."

Wait.  Woah.  Are you talking about the electric skillet that you had when Dad was alive, and that dreadful teflon covered mess of an electric wok that you bought in the early eighties?

"Well, I guess it would be that long maybe [Dad has been gone since Spring of 1989...] but I paid a lot for them and they are just like new!"

Okay.  As the director of a shelter, I would accept them and make over them like they were the best thing since sliced bread... but they would go in the front door, and out the back door to the dumpster.  They are 30-35 years old, and the wiring is that old, electronic safety changes, and from an ethical standpoint... the whole 'it is better than what they have now, nothing'... is not an appropriate outlook.  Look at this stuff dispassionately.  It is just stuff, not a puppy.

"Okay... well... I guess I need to rethink this.  Should I donate them to the Salvation Army?"

Um... same considerations, plus they support discrimination and inequality for LGBTQQIAA folks.

"What about the church that has a rummage sale?"

<Banging head on steering wheel...>
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"Does a toaster oven bake or does it just heat up?"

What?  What is your definition of the difference?  Never mind.  I would not attempt to bake a homemade pie from scratch in one, if that is what you are asking.  

"Well, I bought one and have not used it yet.."

Okay, here is a thought.  Most of these 'time/effort saving appliances are simply... NOT.  They end up as clutter and you could use the oven or stove top just as easily.
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"Did I tell you the neighbor's property sold?  I cannot imagine who would want that long, skinny lot with the foundation of the burnt house still there.  A woman bought it! <reads name> Wonder if she is old or young?  I cannot imagine building a house on that lot!  And the former neighbors could have sold that 2 years ago to someone, and they refused!..."

<Argh>
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"Well, HE was in here last night on the porch!  [Describes in excruciating detail of her little 'traps' she sets so she can tell a door was opened.]
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"{Whispering conspiratorially} Did you see the news from here today?"

No.  

"Nothing?"

Do you mean Hector?  [The guy I dated through junior high and 1/2 of high school, and some college who was a high ranking director at a local governmental human service agency, who was forced to resign.]

"Yes!  How did you know about this?  Oh- I suppose you talked to him and did not feel the need to share this!  Who had it in for him!  Wonder what happened?  I was talking to Dr. Wednesday [who went to high school with both of us] and she said that she thought he was the fall guy for something that happened a few weeks ago and..."

Look.  I am aware of it.  I have touched base with him and his wife.  It is their business, and I will not speculate or carry gossip or anything that could be interpreted salaciously.  It is over, and I wish him and his family the best.

"... [The barrage of questions start] And I hope he does not lose everything... that would be AWFUL!"

Hector and his wife are down to earth folks, and they are not real invested in material craziness.  Losing everything sucks, but is not the end of the world.

"...[More questions that I will not answer on his wife's vocation, pay levels, where they live, etc.] So who was the person who had it in for him?"

I am not discussing this any further.  Hector and his family deserve privacy.  Would you like to discuss something else?  No?  Okay.  Buh-bye!  <dial tone>
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"...[Droning on about her deaf cat and his latest attempts to jump in the toilet... my theory is he is attempting to para suicide to avoid the misery of that hoarded house and the dysfunction perpetuated by her...] Do you remember when your first cat jumped in the toilet [in 1974!]... What a mess!  You remember that?"

No.  I remember you telling about it many, many times over the years, but do not remember it.  

"[Sputtering] But you were right there!  How can you not remember that?"

I do not have consistent memory of most things, if any, before age 8 or 9, and stuff does not really 'fill in' for me until age 10 or so.

"That is SOOOOO STRANGE!  Why I can remember most everything... But then again, you have had a few 'clonks to the head'..."

This has been an issue since long before my fractured skull and concussions, which did not happen until later teen years.  It is not strange at all, all things considered... it is actually quite typical...

"So I am so sick of the KMart Ad with those men shaking their worms when everyone raised so much hell about that little Cyrus girl shaking her butt..."
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To those reading this, I wish you a Happy Holiday Season, whatever you choose to celebrate, in whatever way is meaningful to you.  If you do not celebrate, I wish you a wonderful week.  Thank you for reading!